Thursday, April 28, 2011

A really good friend wrote and asked me how I really am doing. That's an interesting question.

How am I doing? That's a real interesting story. By nature I am upbeat, positive, try to take things moment by moment. It works for me. Well, usually. Then I have a momentary collapse. I cry a bit, freak out about trying to be organized, trying to figure out what to do next. I experience a near death bout of anxiety, whoosh, it's over. I sleep. I sleep some more. I wake up and I find my way back to that moment by moment thing.

sleeping on a cliff
Sleep is a major factor for me. Wow. Do I ever need sleep. Sleep is a great drug, too. Man, I can avoid things for a long time in sleep. That's some serious good stuff.

I am uncertain about the future. Like, I don't know what to look for in a job. Do I need flexibility so I can be available to be there for Bill. Bill has his wit. He has lost most inhibition (not that a lot ever intimidated him, lol), and you have to go with the flo. We choose to laugh. Alot. And we're also pretty excited to have some time together. Bill has lost that drive for workahaulism. He calls it his wake up call. It's the little things we notice notice. Bill can still carry a very intellectual talk with us. He may stray off topic once in awhile, but he still does great. He has a perceptual problem. His brain is not processing visual, verbal, and hearing. When one or more processess get in trouble and start shooting off off topic neurons, the processes get tangled. So you see, we've had a little kick in the butt, and we can look at it as awful, omg, drama to the hilt or we can look at this as an opportunity for early retirement and some serious frequent travels. Gosh, I haven't been on a beach with water warm enough for this midwesterner to swim in in I am counting five years. I hear the beaches of Florida calling. Maybe Mexico?

So, thanks for asking, Dave. I really am doing good. Bill and I and Jack, we've got some sight seeing to do (we love to play site seers, lots of packing to do (ouch). We're hoping to connect and reconnect with our friends as often as we can.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Reflecting on all this

My Perception

It all started to reveal itself in 2009. Bill’s work performance was slowly going downhill. By December 2009, Bill had gone from excellence in teaching performance to a year of hell as the changes revealed themselves.
Hostile work environment.

The first unsatisfactory review was harsh. We actually turned it in as a hostile work environment and won. The supervisor was rebuked, and the review rewritten. Eventually, though, despite the supervisor’s forced professional conduct, Bill eventually was let go. The magnificent pressures resulted in fast decline for Bill.
The next several months were a whirlwind of appointments, denial, acknowledgment, tests, medications, stress, love, ok, just picture a tumble weed flying through the air catching pieces of all the debris around it. You got it. Like a run on sentence… no real beginning, no real end. Ok, that’s my drama for today. I am really trying to focus on the good. No worry, I am also trying to be very realistic. God knows life is full of the unexpected.

Now all the tests are back, and the results are early onset of Alzheimer’s. Bless Bill’s heart. It’s sad and it’s hard. But we’re not dead yet, ya know? We’ve applied for SSDI, we were blessed and had good insurance on our home in Arlington, which has repaired many of the damages and will allow us to move back home. We have made tentative plans to move home around June 15.

I am trying to work out all the financial stuff while we wait on SSDI. I have a wonderful friend that helped me get through some seriously late tax filing. She did amazing stuff. I actually have some money coming back to us. Wow. I need to find a job. I am going to go regardless. My first choice is to stay in my field of Special Education, but will find a job. I just have to find something I can fit into.

Jack is going to highly miss his friends and I am worried about his adjustments. He is such a good, good boy and I hope and pray he has enough support to survive all this change in his life with self esteem and happiness.

The time between now and the move, plus the move itself will be very very difficult for Bill. He is frustrated. The thoughts are there, and he tries his best to communicate it. Sometimes it’s clear, sometimes not so. Trust me, he gets his point across, lol.

Ok, so that is the update.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

How's the new med working?

Bill's meds were tweaked a bit. He's taking amytriptiline, aerosept, paxil, all at bedtime and he takes clonazopan usually 2 right before bed, and whenever he seems overwhelmed to me. I have learned that the more tired he is, the more confusion seems to interfere. He started this combo on last wed. I saw an immediate improvement. We ventured to Kansas to work on the house. We kept busy, active, took lots of trips to Arlington. Be day 3 he was pretty confused and difficult. We arrived in Kansas on Sunday and returned on Saturday, driving the full way both days. He missed a dose of medicine on the first Sunday and the last Saturday because we left early early. He's been disoriented to time and place, his speech is confused, and he has a tough time naming things. I am hoping to see some recovery from the trip.

I gave my resignation today to Rachel. I cried. I love my job and my friends here, but I know in my heart it is time to come home. I have no job yet. Please, please pray for some guidance. I don't know how much longer Bill will be able to be left at home along any more.

Thanks for listening. I don't want to become a synic. I am also very worried about the toll caring for our loved ones will make. I will do this. I know God will be there to help us through.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Time flies

Time flies. We have had so much happen over the past month or so. Bill has had some real mixed up days.I start him on a new medication in a few days. I am thinking I better use this to help keep a record of good and bad days to see if I can see a pattern. Ah, data based information. We all went to Kansas over spring break. I feel like we got a lot done in terms of pushing the repairs on the house. I am very nervous about getting a job. Ah, pressure. Yuck. It is really one of my very worst downfalls.That and whining about hating pressure. I am taking myself way too serious today. I hope I lighten back up in a few days. I can tell it's time to get back into balance. Lyn declares this CENTERING: DAY 1 I will pray/meditate, focusing on my own well-being so I can take care of others.