Reflecting on all this

My Perception

It all started to reveal itself in 2009. Bill’s work performance was slowly going downhill. By December 2009, Bill had gone from excellence in teaching performance to a year of hell as the changes revealed themselves.
Hostile work environment.

The first unsatisfactory review was harsh. We actually turned it in as a hostile work environment and won. The supervisor was rebuked, and the review rewritten. Eventually, though, despite the supervisor’s forced professional conduct, Bill eventually was let go. The magnificent pressures resulted in fast decline for Bill.
The next several months were a whirlwind of appointments, denial, acknowledgment, tests, medications, stress, love, ok, just picture a tumble weed flying through the air catching pieces of all the debris around it. You got it. Like a run on sentence… no real beginning, no real end. Ok, that’s my drama for today. I am really trying to focus on the good. No worry, I am also trying to be very realistic. God knows life is full of the unexpected.

Now all the tests are back, and the results are early onset of Alzheimer’s. Bless Bill’s heart. It’s sad and it’s hard. But we’re not dead yet, ya know? We’ve applied for SSDI, we were blessed and had good insurance on our home in Arlington, which has repaired many of the damages and will allow us to move back home. We have made tentative plans to move home around June 15.

I am trying to work out all the financial stuff while we wait on SSDI. I have a wonderful friend that helped me get through some seriously late tax filing. She did amazing stuff. I actually have some money coming back to us. Wow. I need to find a job. I am going to go regardless. My first choice is to stay in my field of Special Education, but will find a job. I just have to find something I can fit into.

Jack is going to highly miss his friends and I am worried about his adjustments. He is such a good, good boy and I hope and pray he has enough support to survive all this change in his life with self esteem and happiness.

The time between now and the move, plus the move itself will be very very difficult for Bill. He is frustrated. The thoughts are there, and he tries his best to communicate it. Sometimes it’s clear, sometimes not so. Trust me, he gets his point across, lol.

Ok, so that is the update.

February 21, 2012

I'm coming off a nice let down after finishing the first step in Bill's application for SSDI. I have a lot to learn. Sometimes I have so many 'to do's' that I freeze up and avoid doing those things with every ounce of resistance I have. OMG. Talk about draining. Duh. Next two focuses: certification and taxes. I know. I keep putting taxes at the end, but most of the stuff I have put first take time to process. I felt I needed to try to jump on those things first. I'm not too good at this stuff but I keep taking it a step at a time.

Bill's been pretty good until the last week or so. I think he's angry or grieving since we went to apply for SSDI. Poor Jack. I have had to step forward pretty boldly to save his life a few times. Jack tends to over correct Bill. It sends Bill threw the roof. Jack puffs up and generally a testosterone battle occurs.

Ok, so I have to try to step in and protect my cub before the big brown bear eats him and I don't escalate that one angry bear at all. Thank God it doesn't happen all the time, lol. Jack sort of over anticipates and feels responsible. I remember being pretty much the same way at his age. He's kinda dense when it comes to taking subtle hints to back off, but so far no blood has been shed.

Jack is enjoying 16. He got his driver's license and two girls fought over him recently. It doesn't really get any better than that. Work's going good. I feel much better after a bout with the crud. Love my job, my staff, and my kids. We have so much fun every day. I am pulling in some inner strength to go above and beyond what I've been doing for the kids. I love this job.

I'm sort of reflecting tonight. I miss my family. It's aunt Lois' birthday. We talked for quite awhile tonight, and it made me so happy to be in a family like ours. Our Bill (aka the Colonel) isn't doing good. He has COPD and is extended in his stomach area. He's very uncomfortable, tests are taking way too long, and they are - we are scared. We support each other from where we are. It made me think of moving home, of not being there when I lost my dad. Never in all my life would I ever guess I would not be there to say goodbye. I have been very blessed but I have lost so much. I will not look back, but I will try to make it better for the rest of my time with my family.

Ok. Next time we'll lighten up. We laugh so much. The old dog just jumped up on the couch (a miracle for his age), Bill pops up out of his chair shouting, 'Holy cow. How much longer do ya think he'll last?" He absolutely cracks me up. This morning he had on two stocking caps. They angled on his head and he looked like a ram. Hilarious site in the morning. He said his little head was cold. It was one degree this morning. One. Holy cow.

The Day of the MRI

We did it. Bill made it through the MRI today. Tough tough for someone who is very clausterphobic, has a big history of being suspicious, and has dememntia on top of that. The first time we tried (over a year ago) he ran out of the hospital. There I am following him in a dead run (I am 50 and not in shape by any means at all; not a pretty sight) going, "hey, hey, Bill, stop, wait honey..." He met me at the car. That was the last time he agreed to be tested, until now.



On the way to the doctors, Bill was talking and grieving about not reaching all his goals and dreams, and was laughing and reliving some old times. He looks at me summarizing his philosophy by announcing that we are loving life and living it. And that's that no matter how the tests come out. We know it's not a tumor, we know we have some time, so Bill wants his Goldwing fixed. Wow. I feel like I have permission to relax emotionally a little while.



Now, the actual process was a hoot. I had explained to Bill's neurologist, Dr. Roth, about the last excursion of the MRI attempt and Bill's sudden ability to leap over tall buildings in a single bound. Dr. Roth generously perscribes three doses of 10 mil valium each. He tells me to give the first on 3 hours before the appt., the next one in an hour or so. If he's still showing signs of anxiety an hour before the appt, give him the thrid dose and they will give him a place to sleep it off. So I give the first dose. His response: I'm driving. Sorry, over my dead body, babe. Someone has to raise Jack and pee the dog. I win. For one hour he of course becomes an expert in back driving. I look at my watch. Time for pill 2. Hallelujah, thank you Lord. About twenty minutes later the talking does slow down. We now limit the conversation only to back driving. We get closer, the addrenalin rises, so down goes the third dose. He not only walks into the appointment,He walks into the MRI room, and totally cooperates. As soon as the test was over, he was definitely stoned out of his gord, but he is in a jolly and ornery, mood. He gave every person in the office a tough time and words of wisdom, did the test. Bill pops out of the tube chatting away. The doctor is stunned Bill is still talking and walking and asks Bill, "Have you ever taken that much valium before, Bill?" Bill response is, "Well, not legally, doc."Doctor's cracking up, nurses are roaring with laughter, the blood tech comes out for him and say, "Come on, sassy frass, I'm done dulling the needle." We go have lunch,he starts flirting with the waitress until I smacked him in the head and reminded him he is an old man and married," he spends an hour recruiting our waitress to go back to College, learn a second language (Spanish), and she's fired up and ready to return when we're done laughing and eating.



So, I set a few goals, wrote down a to list, and am making a promise to add Walnuts, popcorn, and yogurt (like one a day) to help control my blood sugar levels. The promise includes being consistant in my daily exercise regime, thirty minutes a day.I know we face some very difficult periods, but right now, at this very moment, I feel hope today. It feels good.

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This was a big day

To start off with, today was a big day for Jack. He passed the first level of Driver's Ed and he can drive with an adult anywhere in the state of Michigan. We are celebrating.

I haven't written lately. It's been going. I keep thinking the medication will perform some sort of miracle, but I am still seeing Bill slipping. Our wonderful big screen tv died yesterday, so we hooked up the tv we use for Bill's computer monitor (it's big, too). It looks a little different on the HD set, so it's confusing Bill. He can't figure out how to use the remote control, even though we are using the same one we've used for years. Spike's the cat. He's our fourteen year old poodle. It's hard. Jack and Bill are really batting heads. Jack corrects Bill and gets pretty impatient sometimes, and it upsets Bill because Bill is the adult. It's tough. Jack and I have a good relationship and we talk pretty openly. He has an incredible relationship with my mom, too, and she tries to be there for him, too. We're going to make it, but it sure is nice to know we have people out there to give us a hug when we need it.

Yesterday Jack and I attended the Special Olympics Unified Bowling Tournament. Jack and Rusty won first place and James and I placed 4th in our division. We had so much fun with our friends.

Ok, I am a little behind, technologically speaking. Jack has introduced me to Skype, and I love it. I got to talk to Gloria on it this week. It was so cool.

Congratulations once again, Jack, are passing and getting your permit. I am so proud of you.