Monday, June 10, 2013

Create a list of 3 things in your life that makes you happy

Create a list of 3 things in your life that makes you happy

My list comes to mind almost simultaneously: 

Freedom from fear


                Freedom from anxiety

                     Breathing, listening, living

Freedom of fear
Freedom from anxiety
Breathing, listening, living

For the longest time (most of my married life, actually) I blamed myself for the shortcomings in our marriage. I tried to fix the relationship but I couldn't, of course.  And, of course now I know my husband was most likely already experiencing antecedents of onset of Alzheimer's. It was the beginning of a lengthy battle of hopelessness and helplessness and fear: fear of raising my son alone, fear of starting over. At times it was paralyzing.

Our war with Alzheimer's began eighteen years ago when Bill was 40. My God has lifted me up and carried me above and continues to do so thanks to my deep desire to believe in my Higher Power (I have faith in Jesus) and, thank God, am drawn towards wellness and peace and focus on spirituality and faith. I am surrounded by my family who know only how to love. I am embraced by my beautiful friends, old, new, and renewed. Despite what my eyes can see, despite what my ears can hear, I have found peace in my life.

Many years ago when I was but seven years in my marriage, I asked the Lord to heal my marriage, to give me strength to overlook the hurt and pain, and the ability to live "until death do you part." I believe God has shown me that I am much stronger than I feared I was.  I have found peace in my life. Oh, I face sadness when I visit my husband today and see a whisper of the man I married. Ironically, his demeanor is so very close to the man I fell in love with that I find myself almost forgetting our past. Maybe forgetting is another answer to prayer? All I know is that I am learning to let go of fear, let go of anxiety, and open myself up to happiness. Anyone else want to join me?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Speaking to my soul

Parable of Immortality 

by Henry Van Dyke: 

I am standing upon the seashore. 
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. 
She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud 
just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. 
Then someone at my side said "There she goes!" 
Gone where? 
Gone from my sight...that is all. 
She is just as large in mast and hull and spar 
as she was when she left my side 
and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. 
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. 
And just at the moment when someone at my side says "There she goes!" 
there are other eyes watching her coming..... 
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout.... 
"Here she comes!"

She sits alone on the porch swing  Christmas present her son made for her an his woodworking class just last year.  Looking back over the past year she questions whether any of her memories were her own or if they belonged to someone else.  It all seemed so unreal.

It was one of his proudest moments. 

Sunday, June 2, 2013

These Moments

These Moments

I am mesmerized by the beauty of the stars. I do not always, however, appreciate the opportunities available to take advantage of. 

Rushing to get into my house from my car last night, I happened to glance up. There it was: our Milky Way. The stars creating the beautiful Milky Way were a vivid, glowing entity;  a body of energy; another dimension in my world. The sky was so black, so contrary in comparison to the glowing clusters of stars. I could imagine myself diving into clouds, and being blanketed within the waves of stars which were flowing ribbons in my sky. It was a moment of grounding, a moment of peace. It was beautiful.