Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Maze

The Maze

This Christmas holiday has been unique for me. Christmas has always been a holiday of joy for me; of sharing, giving, loving. This Christmas I have had difficulty getting beyond my own sadness. I have been forced to face the reality of the changes in my life. I have battled depression, anxiety, grief, and an incredible loneliness that I have never experienced before in my lifetime.

I have always thought of myself as non-materialistic. I am here to confess that I after much soul searching and many many shed tears this holiday that I am a
hypocrite. Although I know I made the right choice in coming home to Kansas, I feel I have failed in many ways to provide for my son. The money is gone and has been for some time, there has been no relief in terms of finding employment, and I find myself shopping at Goodwill for my children for the holidays. And for so many of us, it is all we can do.
For me, it has been an experience that has left me humbled. The tears are not only for myself and my family, but for so many that have nothing to put under the tree. It is something that has not only made me aware. It has made it a reality. I now understand, and it hurts deeply.

My faith remains in God, but for the life of me, I do not know what lessons I am supposed to be learning. What direction should I go? What direction CAN I go? How can I make a difference in this world? Not just in name but in reality.

With the reality that my precious baby grandson will soon be entering this world, I ask God once more about my purpose in life. Are we born on this earth to make a difference? Is there a path we are to follow, or do we make our own way? My religious past has often left me questioning what is to come in the beyond:  Did we exist before? Did we come into this
physical body existing in another dimension? Do we just vanish? Are we reborn each day?  I realize even more that the real question to be asked is what is the purpose for my human existence? To learn? To grow?

I am sure that what I am experiencing is not specific to just me.
So many of us are facing the realities of changes in our lives. I am facing a new journey.It is time for me to heal and to start a new life.  It's a scary path and I am not sure which direction to go. I do know that I have to make a difference. I have to reach out and share with others, so they know that they are not alone and that others have been down this path and have survived. I am a survivor. It is now time to thrive.

Without a doubt, the lessons I have learned recently is the value of friends and family. I want to thank all of you for being here for me. Your support, your hugs, and your prayers have helped me to cling to hope.My greatest joy is the realization of the gifts surrounding me. Love is the most powerful energy in the universe. Music is love. The true gifts in life come from loving, and I do, without a doubt, love you all with all my heart.

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