Grief comes in so many forms. It is an important part of our emotional makeup but it is confusing. Shock must be an intial response. Sometimes this still seems unreal. How could it happen to us? He's only 55. I think back and want to find blame. His work, the stressful lifestyle of a workahaulic. The truth be known I think we're closer now than we've been for years. He's playful and funny (thanks to the Paxil, lol) and fiesty. His labedo is certainly not affected (more information than you wanted to know I am sure, lol.) During his hospitalization for testing he wandered off and they lost him for about an hour and a half. He tells me he was having wheelchair races with a 90 year old down the hallway. He probably was. His grueling crisis hits, though, out of the blue. He'll become agitated. He paces worrying about not providing for his family. He has some OCD behavior that may drive me crazy. He has this thing about turnng off the lights. He follows me around the house. I turn on a light, he has it off in seconds. He's starting to forget to eat. He can't remember what day it is, or month, or year. He gets lost. He can know longer remember how to teach online, and when we practice it is like starting all over every day. How do I tell him he can no longer work? No longer teach? He lives to teach. He lives to help guide a student into a career that will meet their needs.
I am a bit paralyzed emotionally but need to begin to take action. I want to move closer to my family. Ironically we ended up getting our house back in Arlington. Now Arlington has not been my home for a very long time, and it will never be the same. My folks are gone, many of the folks I was close to have passed, but I have to start a life closer to my family and supports. The house is pretty much gutted from the renters. All my trim is gone, there are gaping holes where someone has punched their fist through. They sold our fireplace, ripped out the carpeting, knocked out walls, and did a hit and miss paint job on the outside of the house. The pack yard is full of sand, and the deck has been cut out. The peaks on the roof are starting to rot. Dear God help me figure out what is important to do and what can been done over time. Finding a job is primary importance. I just can't seem to make myself start on a resume. Again, the paralysis thing. Very strange experience.