Thursday, November 29, 2012
Ups and downs- the real life
My mom made the most profound statement to me today. She was quoting from a conversation between my cousin, Margie and her mother's friend in regards to dementia. Margie's mama, my sweet Aunt Doris, has a form of dementia. It has been a sudden onset and, although she is in her mid 90's, Aunt Doris is one smart cookie and one good lookin' gal and we are all grieving another change, another loss in our quickly shrinking family. Doris' dementia like Bill's dementia has brought extreme confusion and raging fear. The friend shared in sad remembrance that the day her mama no longer remembered her was solemn and... guiltily peaceful.
Yeah, my Grandma Roush always used to say growing old isn't for sissies. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am not exactly sure how to face this era of my life. Sometimes I just want to ball my eyes out, almost reliving the grief at times. Oops. I got off on a tangent, again. I'll add that I miss most of all my daddy. His wise words and wonderfully ornery sense of humor is exactly what I need. He could always make me laugh. Well, almost always. Th last conversation I had with him was over the phone. Bill was obviously very sick and I was crying as I told daddy I didn't know how I was going to get through this. He said, "I know, sissy." That's it. But it made me feel better.
My devotions today said,
"They say if you love something, set it free.
When you let go of attachment to outcomes, the Universe is free to work its magic, and it's a great opportunity to learn to trust that even if things don't go the way you hoped, the Universe has always got your back.
I think I'm mad about having to let go. I make things better, damn it. It's just what I do. I think when mom got sick and we almost lost her, it wigged me out more than I thought. I lost dad. I hate/love Bill and I see more and more of him disappearing. He sheds tears when he tries to figure out what is going on, why he is in the nursing home, why things are so ""mayonnaise" like when he tries to sort things out.
I hate what I see happening to myself right now. Again, do I want to be openly public about admitting that at times, I struggle? I fear? I dream. Oh my gosh my dreams are insane. Admit that I'm upbeat and seem to have it together about 80% of the time, but that extra 20% is painful. The nursing home definitely solved safety issues. The remaining issues can overwhelm. In the whirl of the past 9 months I am finally understanding that I am dealing with three entities: the courts (overturned Bill's divorce and restraining order from me)and the legal issues of being guardian and conservator; Social Security for Bill's disability; and SRS for Bill's medicaid. I keep getting report requests. And sometimes the stacks get taller and taller. In order to figure out what I am doing I have to sort through a fifteen inch stack of paperwork. If it is not completed, well, it's just not even an option. People's lives depend on it. And Bill is so confused about the placement. I am torn between doing the right thing (??? is there a right thing?) such as getting him out for rides, visiting family, shopping for his needs, helping him stay groomed the way he (used to) like(s). And working. Trying to work. Concentrating. Sometimes, and I apologize right up front to those who have had to witness this insanity, the result leads to, well, this...
Slap me in the face. We do what we have to do because it's what our heart tells us. Bottom line....